Getting Back on the F*cking Horse: When Ego and Impulse Overwhelm the Desire to Write

So I haven’t written in about a month. In the meantime, I’ve strung some words along on my Instagram to get them out there in the world. As a new freelance writer, I started out really heavy. I hit all the top blogs and wrote some really great pieces. I’ve been published on multiple sites, multiple times now. Which, one would think, would be enough to satisfy my ego.

Unfortunately, the ego is an annoying little bug, , much like a mosquito. I’ve been in recovery for 8 years now, and still haven’t mastered the art of controlling my ego. Naturally, those who struggle with substance use disorder or mental illness have a tendency to be slightly narcissistic. Sorry…it’s a fact, Jack. Anyway, this little thing called ego has sucked the life right out of my writing in recent months, and left me with a terrible itch.

animal antenna biology bite
Photo by on

I started this journey with one intention, to reach the broken or hurting and provide a resource, a safe haven for those who seek one. I’ve failed my audience in that I’ve been avoiding this place due to my ego. Unfortunately, when it comes to blogging, success is often measured by numbers. So, when the ego doesn’t see what it wants to see, it gets bruised.

Truth be told, the numbers got to my ego for a while. Another character defect I struggle with is impulsive thoughts and behaviors. I’ve been working on it for years, but I’m constantly making impulsive decisions. Before I knew it, I had it in my mind that I was going to become a successful, full time blogger, and I was going to change the world, one reader at a time. Reality is that was never my intention!

So, where do I go from here? Do I get back up and try again? Of f*cking course I do! The only things I’ve ever quit in my life are drugs and alcohol. I’m not a quitter. What I won’t do though, is make a bunch of false promises to post ___ amount of times a _____. Not because I’m afraid of commitment, but because I really don’t want to disappoint my readers any more than I already have.

adult back view beautiful blur
Photo by Maria Tyutina on

So, in full transparency, I apologize for allowing that little skeeter bite to annoy me to the point of avoidance for a month. Stay tuned and Stay sober my friends!



  1. I’m so proud of you and your progress in your journey through recovery. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability here. It definitely provides encouragement for me as push through my own personal journey. Thanks!

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